There is tension in my neck, leading to an endless headache. I can relax the muscle in my spine for mere seconds but cannot control its inevitable return. The tightening muscles in my throat make it, at times, almost impossible to speak or breathe. I feel a tightness up to my lower jaw that clenches even more when attempting to tell my emotional truth. The stress in my shoulders, back, forehead, and hands has become barely noticeable, not because of its absence but a strange familiarity with what seems to have been there forever. The more I meditate, relax, fill my days with pleasant activities, set healthy boundaries, and listen to dreamy music at night, the worse it seems to get. What the hell is going on?
I can explain it all rationally: There is still unresolved trauma to process within the depths of my being. All the tension in my body is a mere stress response to the deep-rooted inner child trauma that still refuses to reveal itself.
I sense a darkness rooted in a deep sense of failure. I´m afraid that I do not deserve to stand up for what I truly want and need, fearing letting myself and others down if I would relax, trust and speak from my intuition, and stop giving a shit for a moment. I fear the disturbing energy of my dark side, waiting for the earliest opportunity to rise back to the surface. The more I think about it, the more I believe I must do something to resolve this chronic tension and the fear it feeds on. A more profound sense of failure arises when I recognize I cannot do anything about it.
I can also explain how fulfilling my needs and desires can never come from an external source. I know all that. So why do I keep trying? Why do I keep searching for solutions in places where I know I won´t find them?
I must let go of this ridiculous idea and start searching on the inside where inner peace resides and patiently waits to receive my surrender to it. I must stop trying to change, find acceptance in what is, stop searching on the outside, and turn inwards. I know a more profound sense of emotional connection is waiting for me, but the more I try to uncover it, the more my ego and, consequently, my body seem to resist its own well-being.
I know exactly how to find inner peace, intellectually at least. However, to surrender to what is, I must first uncover the well-hidden belief – why I think my current state of affairs is more beneficial to my well-being than where I would like to be instead. In other words, subconsciously, I do not want to be somewhere else. Apparently, there is an even better reason to stay right where I am. Otherwise, I would have changed my situation already. That is a painful conclusion. It seems like I choose to live in this tense state of muscle cramps, after all, whether subconsciously or not.
Something inside me whispers all the reasons why I should not let go and why surrender leads to inevitable failure. I believe the lies, knowing very well that it´s not the right way to go. But how do you get over a fair of failure when you must do something that potentially leads to failure to resolve it, or when you don’t feel like you deserve to be better than you are now?
Again, intellectually, I know that to overcome a certain fear, one must face it and gradually learn to be comfortable with the unknown. And the only thing to discover in the unknown is more of yourself. So what is there even to fear?
The problem is, I don’t even know what to fail at!
I´m not afraid to fail at work, mess up dinner, or be late for an appointment.
On second thought…I am.
These ¨failures¨ all have an impact on my sense of self-worth. However, I don’t fail at these things because my constant subconscious stress mechanisms ensure I do things right the first time. And when I spill too much salt in the food or fail to complete a task within my own expectations, my ego has its excuses ready for battle the moment it happens. I will do or say anything to avoid, blame, or devise a sensible reason for why I have (not) failed.
Damn.
Now that I think about it, I must conclude that I seek my worth in anything but myself. But how could I feel worthy knowing I didn’t do things to the best of my abilities? How do you feel valued if you know you F´ed up? I think I´ve known the answer all along. I even teach it to my clients as one of the most fundamental personal development lessons.
I get triggered by an external event, e.g., putting too much salt in a meal. My ego instantly attaches a thought to this trigger, saying that I am not a good cook due to this event, and I let others down who expected a great meal. Then, the thought or belief immediately turns into an emotion: disappointment, frustration, anxiety, anger, you name it. Consequently, based on this emotion, I start acting in ridiculous ways. I defend myself where no defense is needed. My body tightens. Or I keep quiet, hoping nobody mentioned my mistake.
And the next time I’m cooking?
I work even harder, raising my own expectations, and consequently set myself up for yet another self-perceived failure. And round and round we go.
Cooking dinner is just a ¨minor¨ example and doesn’t lead to this unbearable tension on its own. However, if you put together enough of these ¨minor¨ events and worries, the accumulation of stress about doing things right will eventually translate into physical expressions like the ones mentioned before.
This explanation shows how my very own thoughts led to this behavior. It is not about feeling worthy when you messed up or feeling valued when you believe you didn’t act to the best of your abilities. It is about the belief that you messed up in the first place. Only when you keep telling yourself that what you do is not enough will you believe your own lack of self-worth.
That is not to say that you should not be held accountable for mistakes made. It means that one must realize that you DID act to the best of your abilities with the knowledge, attention, and energy you had at that time.
And yes, maybe your skill level goes beyond what you showed at that moment. And yes, perhaps you should have known better. But it´s easy talking in hindsight. At the moment of the deed, you did not know better. And even if you did, you were, for whatever reason, not capable of doing better. How does that lead to you, or me, being a less worthy human being?
We all make mistakes. We all occasionally fail to fulfill our expectations of ourselves, our environment, and society. Did you do it on purpose, though? Likely not. So, stop blaming yourself. Don´t make the words of others your own. Stop mindlessly believing your thoughts and convictions, and forgive yourself for doing all you could.
I will try my best to do the same. If I fail at it today, we´ll try again tomorrow without judgment.
Thank you.
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